Dear all ye faithful fans of Steven Moffat,
Stephen Moffat cannot write. If you don’t believe me, go watch The Adventures of Tintin. It is the most poorly written movie I have ever seen.
Other than that, the movie is fabulous. The voice actors are all excellent, especially Andy Serkis as Haddock. It also made me laugh when I realized Thompson and Thomson (the Interpol cops) were Simon Pegg and Nick Frost (who were partnered cops in Hot Fuzz). In addition, the graphics were spectacular. The movements of all of the characters were so lifelike and the facial expressions were spot-on. The fight scene between Haddock and Sakharine was elegantly executed… until Haddock started throwing bottles which ruined the fabulousness of it.
My favorite character was the dog, Snowy. Probably because he had no dialogue. Every time a character opened his mouth (and I say his because practically every character was male) something stupid came out. The dog was smarter than most of the other characters. In addition, everything was too drawn out. If something took five seconds, it took five minutes in the movie. It was like a bad SNL skit.
I blame this entirely on the writing: when Moffat can’t throw every plot twist in the book at a script, he falls flat. He made everything longer than it needed to be in order to compensate for a lack of actual plot and fill up time. Moffat is so caught up in his own awesomeness that he thinks that he can write anything and it’s awesome. This story is clear proof that he ain’t all that.
Let’s talk about how there were a grand total of two female characters in the entire film and how none were on screen longer than one minute. It was despicable; I haven’t seen such a female-character shortage since… well I don’t know. But come on! How hard is it tho throw in a girl, Moffat?!
And I hate movies that blatantly set you up for a sequel, and this one didn’t even make any sort of an attempt to cover-up its I-wanna-make-a-sequel-ness.
And in case you didn’t figure this out already, the plot fell rather flat. I had the entire movie figured out within the first twenty minutes. No excitement from Moffat; guess that’s what happens when he can’t get timey-wimey.
So if the movie crosses your path, feel free to watch it. But don’t watch it for the outstanding writing.