Fanfiction Fridays: Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles ) by proudhousewife

MadameAce: So for those of you who haven’t yet seen it in all its glory, there is now a Christian-safe version of Harry Potter that you can enjoy. Our author, proudhousewife, wanted her children to be able to read Harry Potter, without the fear that the story would turn them into Satanic witches. And let’s face it: this is a pretty legitimate fear. After I read the first couple books, I immediately bought myself a wand and ran around screaming “Avada Kedavra” at people. Clearly, the devil has taken hold of my soul.

My face when I first realized that.

My face when I first realized that.

If only there had been a Christian-friendly version of the books I could have read back then. One that preferably condescends to small children, teaches girls that being both beautiful and in the kitchen is what glorifies God, insinuates that non-Christians and Catholics are incapable of love and achieving salvation, and tells us that evolutionists are stupid.

Hagrid laughed wisely. “Evolution is a fairytale. You don’t really believe that, do you?”

“Yes, I do!” Aunt Petunia screeched.

“Well then prove it!”

Aunt Petunia could only stare at him; and her big mouth hung open dumbly. Here she thought she was so educated; and she always demanded that Christians prove what they believed in; but she couldn’t even prove her own religion. It was then that Harry knew who the smart one here was!

Oh, thank goodness. All these years, I believed in evolution. I now know how wrong I was!

I have no idea whether Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles )—yes, there is actually a half parentheses in its title for some reason—is a parody or genuine. I’m also not sure that I care. I have finally seen the light.

Tsunderin: And what a glorious, blinding light that is, Ace. In this, the twenty-first century, it’s sometimes so easy to get wrapped up in the hubbub of silly things that the media tells us. Evolution is one of them, to be sure, but don’t you remember a time when a woman could simply be a woman and not have to worry about silly things like education and gender equality? proudhousewife remembers.

Ambition? Who needs that?

Ambition? Who needs that?

Many fans of the Harry Potter series have grown attached to the character of Hermione, especially young girls, and why wouldn’t they? Hermione is resourceful, witty, caring, and unapologetically intelligent; a sympathetic character and arguably a great role model for all children. But wouldn’t it have been great if instead of being the outspoken, flawed character that girls could relate to, Hermione was a perfect little child who was “[s]o different from all the girls in public school; who were focused on trying to be like the career women the way on [sic] The Sex and the City” and “…the picture of innocence and godliness”? And if that sounds too good to be true, then you’ll be thrilled to see a Professor McGonagall—now married to Dumbledore—who is no longer teaching, but uses the magic of prayer to call forth dinner for her family. God is good indeed!

However, just to drive the point home, before being swept away by Hagrid, Harry isn’t raised by a negligent and abusive Dursley family. Oh no, it’s much worse than that! He’s raised in a Dursely family where—gasp!—the gender roles are reversed! How is a boy supposed to grow up right seeing the father baking, and literally doing nothing else, and the mother having a steady job? Someone catch me; I think I’m getting the vapors.

MadameAce: Well, thank God Almighty that proudhousewife came along to set us all straight. Blessed is He. Not only does Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles ) offer some glorious insight on gender roles, it also takes the time to teach us the true meaning of prayer. But first, I have a confession to make: all these years, my talks with God weren’t what they could have been. Like any misguided little Christian girl, I assumed that prayer was for building up a relationship with God, getting to know Him. Or even, dare I say it, glorifying His Name. How very wrong I was. Then again, I was raised by a mother who works—and she even sent me to Catholic school!

I don’t know how I could have gone on before HSoPaM) was written. According to this fanfic, prayers aren’t about getting to know God and Jesus as your Lord and Savior. They’re about asking Him to hand you shit that you could just do yourself.

With the simple faith so often seen in little ones, Harry got down on his knees; and lifted his hands skyward; and shouted prayerfully, “Dear Lord, please open these doors; and allow me to enter my new home!”

With a loud, thunderous boom that echoed throughout the expansive, beautiful campus, the doors crashed open. Harry stood up piously as Hermione’s jaw dropped. Now, she knew for certain that this was a true man of the Lord!

Sadly, I don’t think my faith is as strong as it could be. I got down on my hands and knees no less than five times this week to ask God for a PS4. It has yet to miraculously appear. But don’t worry. I’m sure He’ll send one eventually. Maybe I first need to discard all my Catholic beliefs. Did you know Catholics aren’t good Christians? proudhousewife has made all her Catholic characters—such as the Weasleys—Slytherins. They even worship the statue of Mary!

Well, at the very least, fan favorite Severus Greg Snape is the new head of Gryffindor.

He’s also super-hot and has awesome chest hair—wait, what?

He’s also super-hot and has awesome chest hair—wait, what?

Tsunderin: With role models like Reverend Dumbledore and the aforementioned Greg Snape present, who wouldn’t want their children to be exposed to such godliness in the form of fanfiction? But as any good Christian knows, devotion is a hard struggle with many a temptation along the way, and sometimes being as faithful as Simon Peter, one of the twelve apostles, is harder than it seems. Children may aspire to be like the good Reverend Dumbledore, but they can relate to Harry Potter.

Just as young Harry went through the struggles of growing up, making friends, and getting used to an entirely new world in the original series, HSoPaM) allows young readers to forge that bond with this Harry as well. Fans of Rowling’s books may remember Harry as being a little selfish, but ultimately good-natured, with a dash of well-deserved teenage angst; a boy that many teenagers and twenty-somethings could see themselves in. In HSoPaM), Harry is a lost soul, confused by how what he feels is right in his heart seems to be at odds with the media and the people around him. Everyone can relate to this feeling of displacement. And certainly everyone can relate to Harry’s experience of being lost and then found, being blind but now he sees, by a holy force that gives him the power to be pristinely perfect in his faith. Harry so overcome by his love for the Lord that he is the perfect Christian. Even though his faith is shaken by mentions of “dark things to come” or the mere idea of other religions maybe being just as acceptable as his own, Harry remains steadfast, quoting Bible verses at the speed of light and slowly converting all the poor other lost souls around him. Surely this is an example everyone can live up to. Surely everyone can suddenly be the very best, like no one ever was (but religiously).

A not-so-accurate reenactment of the Prayer Off in Chapter 12. (x)

A not-so-accurate reenactment of the “prayer-off” in Chapter 12. (gif via gaiaonline)

Harry Potter in HSoPaM) reminds us all that if we’re going to commit ourselves we better go hard. If not, well, we might as well join those hippie losers in Hufflepuff.

MadameAce: The Hufflepuffs may be hippie losers who have no understanding of God’s grace, but at the very least, they aren’t those jackass Ravenclaws. Ravenclaws, such as Draco Malfoy, hate all women and think that they are worth less than men. Just like feminists!

So-called feminists these days call everything sexist. A man respecting his woman and providing for her and giving her the children and home that she truly desires is called woman-hating! Such silliness can make us forget what real sexism looks like.

Wow. I never thought of it that way. I almost feel as though my time spent in Lady Geek Girl’s employment has been an absolute waste. Almost. Alas, I’m still a sinner at heart. I guess I’m destined for hell. But don’t worry, dear reader, just because I won’t be saved doesn’t mean God will damn you too. You can get to heaven, and Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles ) is a great starting point if you want to learn a little bit about Christ. Your salvation begins here. Enjoy. In the meantime, I think I’m going to go draw some pentagrams on my bedroom wall.

Pentagrams are Satanic, right?

Pentagrams are Satanic, right?

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4 thoughts on “Fanfiction Fridays: Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles ) by proudhousewife

  1. The way you guys wrote this post actually made me laugh…ending an otherwise troublesome and conflicting night with some well-versed satire. 🙂

  2. G’hoy, that lonely closed-paren gives me agita every time. WHERE IS THE ANDY TO YOUR OLLIE, LITTLE FRIEND?

    But that is only one of so many questions:

    The narrator pauses to address the reader directly – who is the narrator?

    And that Harry has both “childlike wisdom” and “childlike eyes.” What other eyes could he have?

    And is Hogwarts now in the American South, given Dumbledore’s “twang” and the biscuits and gravy? Why is Voldemort a Congressman and not an MP? Why else would the First Amendment matter? Why does Hermione still stay frock?

    And Luna’s a Hufflepuff? (Although that makes me happy, given the depiction of Hufflepuffs here.)

    Is Snape shirtless under his suit-coat and tie?

  3. The woman who wrote this fic says she doesn’t own the original JKR books, but doesn’t mention whether she read them or not. I suspect she may just be going off of general pop culture knowledge that’s filtered down even inside her little bubble. I couldn’t help reading it out of curiosity, it is hilariously bad and preachy. I doubt it will convince anyone that isn’t already of this lady’s mindset.

  4. Reblogged this on The Lefthander's Path and commented:
    Just in time for your not-Halloween Harvest party- The woman who wrote this fic says she doesn’t own the original JKR books, but doesn’t mention whether she read them or not. I suspect she may just be going off of general pop culture knowledge that’s filtered down even inside her little bubble. I couldn’t help reading it out of curiosity, it is hilariously bad and preachy. I doubt it will convince anyone that isn’t already of this lady’s mindset.

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