Hours later, Hermione’s head was still throbbing and she desperately wanted a cup of tea and a very long nap. Both of those were far out of reach; instead, she was sitting in Director McGonagall’s office, trying not to shrink under her scrutiny.
“Are you sure that this is the report you want to submit?” McGonagall asked.
Hermione nodded, grimacing as the motion made her head throb a little harder. “Yes, Director.”
“That you can’t explain how Lovegood found the child in that cellar or what knocked you silly. Only that there was a bright light and voices.”
McGonagall sat forward, narrowing her eyes. “Agent Granger, we assigned you to Agent Lovegood to report on her cases and find some rational explanation for them. To debunk her notions about strange creatures and forces we can’t comprehend, before she makes a laughing stock of us all. Your report is rather less helpful on that front than we’d like.”
Hermione sat up straighter. “I know, Director, but I can only report what I saw. I can’t lie.”
“And you saw a light.”
“And heard voices.”
“And something flung you against a wall and knocked you unconscious.”
“Perhaps what you saw and heard was the kidnappers, and they were the ones who attacked you. In which case, we potentially have a kidnapping ring on the loose in Hampshire, and you can’t even describe them.”
“Agent Lovegood assures me that she didn’t see any kidnappers,” Hermione said, picking her words carefully. None of them were lies, precisely. They simply omitted a few facts that Lovegood had babbled at her as the paramedics tried to perform concussion checks. “The child was unconscious for the entire time she was missing, so we can’t ask her what happened.”
McGonagall nodded, her expression not softening in the slightest. “I suppose you’ve done everything you can. Go home and get some rest. You look dreadful. Try not to let Agent Lovegood drag you out on any wild goose chases for at least a couple of days.”
“Thank you, Director,” Hermione said, standing carefully in case she wobbled. “I’ll do my best.”
I’m not sure where I first encountered the idea of a Luna/Hermione X-Files AU. Clearly it was on Tumblr, but the specifics of when and where elude me. Needless to say, though, I was deeply intrigued by the premise. However, I struggled to find an actual fic that delivered on the idea. Even today, nearly a decade and a half after the heyday of Harry Potter fanfiction, it’s hard to find stories that don’t exclusively focus on Harry and Draco smooching. But I wanted to believe, pardon the pun, that a story like this existed, and this week my investigations paid off.
This story is not just a straightforward swap of Hermione and Luna into Scully and Mulder’s American FBI roles, nor does it suppose a wizarding world equivalent of the X-Files. Rather, it creates a truly alternate universe where Hermione and Luna both work for mundane Muggle law enforcement, and Hermione refuses to believe that magic exists. When Luna insists they travel to investigate a series of female disappearances under mysterious circumstances, Hermione is skeptical about what they’ll find. Is it more unbelievable that there are forces at work that Hermione can’t explain with science, or that she’s starting to crush on Luna in spite of—or maybe because of—her insistence on believing in said forces?
This isn’t a particularly long story, but it delivers just the right blend of emotional notes and plotty goodness. I love a good case fic; I’m always impressed by a writer’s ability to set up a mystery that emulates the source material while also creating romantic tension. Selenay writes Hermione and Luna into Scully and Mulder’s skeptic/believer roles in a way that keeps the original tension (romantic or otherwise) but doesn’t lose the Harry Potter characters’ personalities along the way. Hermione is insistent on doing research before leaping headlong into a case, and Luna is just as spooky and serene as ever.
Furthermore, the placement of McGonagall into AD Skinner’s long-suffering role is perfect, and the addition of a mysterious cigarette-smoking woman adds a sense of a greater mytharc at work, that this is only a part of the larger story of Hermione Granger and Luna Lovegood of the X-Files. While this was a gift fic for Femslash February and probably will not be continued or expanded on, it’s a delight to imagine the possible adventures future installments could bring.
However, that doesn’t mean that the ending of Inspired by Actual Documented Accounts… is in any way unsatisfying. It’s a quick read at just under 10k words, and I highly recommend you check it out at the AO3.