Rise of the Purple Prose

So I didn’t grow up reading a lot of English literature, and as such I sometimes don’t feel too qualified with talking about published works. However, there has been one obnoxious trend that keeps rearing its ugly head, and unfortunately, it always does so wherever I feel the need to get my daily dose of fanfiction reading. Yes, our subject today is purple prose.

Fanfiction Fridays: How to Do Satire Right

It’s no secret that I harbor a love for the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy and I have read through the first two with glee—the third one is completely awful, and considering which series this is, that’s saying a lot. I love it for the grammar mistakes that somehow made it through editing. I love it for its characters that provide hours of sadistic critiquing pleasure for me and my friends. And I love it because I honestly think it represents the small beginnings of a shift, not only in general literature, but in the acceptance of our own sexuality. Yes, I may be my own fifty shades of snarky bitch, but I can give credit where credit is due.

I can feel the worry mounting in your mind, readers: this is Fanfiction Fridays and I’m here talking about Fifty Shades—something is wrong. No, something is so very right. Today’s fanfic is not that of a character study, nor one of exploring anything that the original story has to offer. It is, instead, a satire and a freaking hilarious one at that.

Author Bristol Fashion takes a poke at the titular characters, Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele, in their 51 Tints of Granite in just about the best way I could have asked for. It is insanely simple to make fun of this series, that much should be clear, but to exaggerate the story into such a parody of itself is truly a wonderful feat that had me almost in tears from laughing so hard. As someone who has read the series, I can say that Bristol’s re-writing sounds exactly like what was happening in the story as narrated by my inner thoughts.

As the story is told from Anastasia’s point of view in both the actual novel and the fanfic, the readers get some delicious truths from our eternally oblivious heroine. For instance, after an e-mail where Christian says he’s going to stalk her because he doesn’t trust her, this is her reply:

Wow. How do I interpret that?! He got mad, then apologized, then made a HILARIOUS joke. Ugh. He is so complicated. He makes my brain hurt like that time I tried a Sudoku puzzle. Even though I minored in math, that puzzle had me completely frazzled. I should just stick to the crossword puzzles from Highlights magazine from now on. Those are more befitting of my English major status.

The sad thing is that this kind of monologue isn’t even that far off from what E.L. James’s Anastasia does. In fact, it’s spookily accurate. That’s what I appreciate most in this fic: the characters are still in character. In fact, every exacerbation of the main text Bristol does, it’s so so very easy to find an exact companion to it in Fifty Shades.

It’s like I’m reading the story how it was meant to be read. (There is no way that Christian is not a creeper and bless Bristol for bringing that out in him.)

If you’ve ever been on the edge about reading Fifty Shades, but don’t want to sit through 300-some pages of Anastasia being in awe of the world around her, talking about her inner goddess, or Christian being an overprotective psychopath, read this fic. I can say from experience that literally everything in this fic happens in the novels and you won’t have that nagging sense of self-loathing after reading it.

James Gunn Apologizes, Promises to Do Better in the Future

It’s been a tumultuous past two days here at LGG&F since I reported on the awful and since-deleted ‘50 Superheroes You Most Want To Have Sex With’ written by Guardians of the Galaxy director James Gunn. Petitions to roust him from the director’s chair were started, several major internet news outlets reported on the post in question, and a number of major industry players chimed in to denounce what he wrote. However, it has come to my attention that Gunn has formally apologized for said post, and it would be unfair of me to not hook you up with the deets. Here is the full text of the apology, from his Facebook page:

A couple of years ago I wrote a blog that was meant to be satirical and funny. In rereading it over the past day I don’t think it’s funny. The attempted humor in the blog does not represent my actual feelings. However, I can see where statements were poorly worded and offensive to many. I’m sorry and regret making them at all.

People who are familiar with me as evidenced by my Facebook page and other mediums know that I’m an outspoken proponent for the rights of the gay and lesbian community, women and anyone who feels disenfranchised, and it kills me that some other outsider like myself, despite his or her gender or sexuality, might feel hurt or attacked by something I said. We’re all in the same camp, and I want to do my best to make this world a better place for all of us. I’m learning all the time. I promise to be more careful with my words in the future. And I will do my best to be funnier as well. Much love to all – James

This is a very nice apology, and it sounds sincere. I am happy that he has responded to the outcry in a thoughtful manner, and that he admits that what was apparently actually intended as satire was bad and not funny at all.

I am not going to say his slate is wiped clean, and I’m still concerned about the GotG movie (call it once bitten, twice shy). If he really wants to do right by female and queer Marvel fans and characters, he has a responsibility to walk his talk and show us that he is not, in fact, a sexist or homophobic jerk by respecting and positively representing the characters of every gender, sexuality, and race that appear in the movie.

(Via ThinkProgress)

The Road So Far: Hunteri Heroici Review

WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK, IDJIT!

Alright SPN fans, it’s time for another review and I have to say, I’m not as impressed with this episode.

This was an episode I thought I was really going to enjoy, what with the cartoon aspect, Cas becoming a hunter, and the various shenanigans that would doubtlessly ensue. This episode was still enjoyable and very funny, but out of all the episodes so far it’s the least well written.

Now, that is not to say it was bad, and so far season eight has been amazing—this is just the first episode where the writing is just okay instead of stellar.

So You Want To Read Comic Books 2.0: Captain Marvel

Okay, moving on with my life and focusing on nicer, happier, excitingly feminist things happening in the Marvel comic book world, let’s talk about the new Captain Marvel.

So this lady with accidentally-got-them-from-an-alien-device superpowers named Carol Danvers apparently used to be Ms. Marvel for a super long time. But I’m not worried about that because I have never read a Ms. Marvel comic and know nothing about her and you don’t really need to either. What you do need to know is that she recently decided to promote herself to Captain and she is now in her own series, being billed as Earth’s Mightiest Hero. It is amazing.

So, weirdly enough, the first thing I read in Captain Marvel was… the first page of #1. And this one page actually made me stop and stare for like ten minutes, grinning like an idiot, and then go find my roommate and show her and babble a bit, and then stare a bit more before I managed to move on to page two. Okay, let’s compare Carol as Captain with Carol as Ms. Marvel. The image of Ms. Marvel is much more sexualized, with a more unrealistically proportioned body type, an outfit that isn’t exactly practical superhero wear, and her hair down. The image of Captain Marvel is just so much better to me in so many ways: her one-piece costume, despite still being skin-tight, seems so much more practical for crime-fighting than a bathing suit, opera gloves, and thigh-high boots (have you ever tried to wear them? They slide down the second you put them on!). Her hair is pulled back and up, also a more practical change. And the way she is drawn is less sultry and more confident and powerful. From the first page I was loving Carol Danvers as Captain Marvel.

And then I read the actual story, and I was hooked.

Theatre Thursdays: Seussical the (Flopped) Musical

Quite a while ago I had an idea for a series talking about my favorite Broadway flops. Being the brilliant wordsmith I am, I titled this series “A Few of My Favorite Flops”…get it? Like that song from The Sound of Music? But with the word “flop” instead of…eh, you get it. Anyway, I started with Carrie and that led into a lot more posts than I intended and I never went back to the series. Today I will be continuing “A Few of My Favorite Flops” with Seussical the Musical.

I performed in this show my freshman year of college and fell in love with it. The music and lyrics are by Lynn Ahrens and Stephen Flaherty who are honestly my favorite musical creators (Ragtime, Once on this Island, and Seussical are three of the most perfect cast recordings I own) and the original production was directed by Frank Galati. As you have probably guessed, the story is based on the works of Dr. Seuss with the main plot of the musical being comprised of the stories “Horton Hears a Who” and “Horton Hatches the Egg” so our protagonists are Horton the Elephant and Jojo (the son of Whoville’s mayor) with the Cat in the Hat serving as narrator. Other main players include Gertrude McFuzz, Mayzie LaBird, the Sour Kangaroo, and the Wickersham Brothers, with special appearances by notable Seussian characters such as the Grinch and Yertle the Turtle.

So Many Dumb Ways to Die!

During one of my many wanderings around the internet  I found this obscenely cheerful video made by Melbourne, Australia’s Metro Trains, and Tangerine Kitty. It is (obviously) about why it is important to be safe around trains. Unlike many educational safety videos this one was very entertaining to both watch and listen to. The audience not only hears about dangerous situations but actually sees the catastrophes happen. The little injured cartoon people smile and dance with their dismembered body parts and cheerfully sing the catchy tune while the body count continues to steadily rise with each chorus. Not content with talking about just train safety, they also dispense advice about red button curiosity, and attempting to fly an airplane without a pilot license among others. And damn if it isn’t one of the funniest tunes I’ve ever heard. So take a listen, mate; you just might learn something.

Warning: Singing this song out loud will likely confuse and frighten people if they have not heard the song before, so don’t be stingy about sharing ‘kay?

Web Crush Wednesdays: xkcd

You know that moment when you’re wondering what to do for a Web Crush and you suddenly have an idea, but assume it’s already taken because it’s such a perfectly awesome idea and then realize that it is not taken? It’s a wonderful moment you guys.

So this week’s Web Crush is xkcd, an online webcomic by Randall Munroe that focuses on a variety of topics; many of them cover science, the internet, and personal relationships. Ususally the comic updates update on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Everyone is a stick figure and there aren’t any reoccurring characters, so you don’t have to start from a beginning or anything like that. You can just go to the website and enjoy, which is what I really like about it. I never remember to check it so I can just scroll through comics whenever.

So rather than me ranting about how awesome it is, I’m just going to tell you to go to xkcd.com!

James Gunn is a Sexist, Homophobic Jerk

And I don’t care who hears me say it.

 

This post was meant to sing the praises of the new Captain Marvel comic, but instead I find myself burdened with the glorious purpose of tearing a rich white guy I don’t know a new asshole on the internet.

James Gunn, if you don’t know who he is, is the director who has been tapped to helm the upcoming Marvel Cinematic Universe movie, Guardians of the Galaxy, due in 2014. He is also the author of this post, The 50 Superheroes You Most Want To Have Sex With. [trigger warning for that link: sexism, homophobia, general rage-inducing assholery] [Edit: He seems to have taken down the original post but you can still see a cached version here, thanks to nothing ever really going away on the internet.]

There is nothing wrong with being attracted to a superhero character. There is nothing wrong with wanting to screw a superhero. (I would be lying if I said I wouldn’t sleep with Batwoman, for example.)

But the way Gunn comments on the entries in his list makes him sound less like a respected director and more like an unwashed neckbeard who has never seen a woman outside of bad porn. Here’s a highlights reel of the commentary, care of tumblr’s othothegreat and buckycaps:

the art he chose in general, especially for the female heroes, is really gross and terrible, but here are a few more sexist, misogynistic, sex-shaming gems:

1. “for those men that love rude bitches, [emma frost] the white queen is the way”
2. [on natasha romanoff, the highest ~debut] “considering she’s fucked half the guys in the marvel universe, that’s quite a feat”

Trailer Tuesdays: Beautiful Creatures

This movie is based on the popular novel by the same name and I’m not going to lie: there are many things about this trailer that seem pretty cliché.

Now, I haven’t read the book, so I’m just going off the trailer. It seems like your basic, boy meets girl, girl is descendant of a group of witches, boy likes girl and girl likes boy, boy’s relationship with girl may or may not lead to her turning evil… you know, the usual.

Some things about this movie seem like the typical paranormal romance, but on the other hand, this movie does look pretty awesome and seems to have some elements that if done right could be really interesting.

Probably the thing that intrigues me most about this movie is the scene in the trailer when the whole family of witches gathers around a table for some reason, maybe for dinner, maybe it’s Christmas, who knows. But anyway, the whole family is together and apparently these witches can be claimed either for the Light or the Dark. Now, what could be potentially awesome about this and the dinner scene is that it’s always interesting when there are evil people and good people in the same family, but they still hang out and put up with each other, even if they don’t agree with each other’s life choices. It’s fun because it’s a very dramatic parody of a real family.

Again some things in this movie seem pretty cliché, but the family element is pretty interesting and it also seems pretty action packed, so maybe it will be good. I’m cautiously optimistic.